It sure has been a long time since I've written down any of my thoughts in other than a FB status. It's easy to live each day thinking it was so much like the last that nothing was special about it. Nothing monumental has happened. We live in the same house, work at the same place, do the same things on a regular basis. "Same old same" is my standard answer when asked "what's new" even if I haven't talked to the person in a year. We are still trying to conceive. It's been 3 1/2 years now and somewhere around 50 cycles. Though, I will say that we didn't necessarily try for all of them. Finally, last summer we decided to go ahead an see a doctor and have the necessary tests to see if everything was "normal". He had me for an X-ray of my tubes to make sure nothing was blocked and Steve had a sperm count done. Both tests were normal. I ovulated late in my cycle in October on my own as detected by an OPK. In November, I stated my first round of Clomid to try to move my ovulation day up to the 12-15th day. I did not ovulate in November... or December, or January, or February, even on the highest dose of Clomid. Today is day one of a new cycle. I have an appointment with Dr F on Friday morning to get started on Femara. I purchased digital OPKs to take out the guess work as well as a product called "Pre-seed". Pre-seed is a lubricant which is made to have the same consistency of fertil CM. I am going to go back to temping in the morning as well. This TTC stuff is really starting to get old. I am ready to be a parent. Some days are ok, other are really bad. A girl I work with who is the same age as me became pregnant on only her 2nd or 3rd try. That was like a kick in the gut for me. She is now about 3 months pregnant. I was really hoping we'd be pregnant together. Another girl I work with is going on maternity leave next week. She is due 4/7. She is also the same age as me. Almost everyone at work is now a parent (or will be soon), leaving me to sit back and hope this will be the month. I know God has this all under control, but it's difficult to be patient and hope that he has chosen for me to be a mom one day. That is probably the worst part, not the waiting, but the wondering if it was even meant to be. Steve remains optimistic. I just want to be someone's mom. I want to pass down our beliefs and ethics to the next generation. Raising a smart and responsible person is my life time goal.
I got a couple possible positives on the OPK last month and I noticed myself being warmer than usual as well as a couple other odd things (which might simply have been caused by all the meds) and I told Steve, i think I might be pregnant. His face lit up like I've never seen. Today he called me to ask if AF had arrived. He has never done that before. I think he was quite disappointed when I said yes.
I brought up the prospective of adoption a month or two ago. Though Steve was completely against it at first, he agreed that if we haven't conceived by the time I turn 30 (8/1/12) that we would look into adoption. Our child will be our child either way, but I really desire him/her to be biologically Steve's.
Sometimes on the bad days, I wonder if we never have a child if Steve will resent me or regret marrying me. When I shared this idea with him, he assured me that would never happen. The thought still remains though.
Sometimes on the good/hopeful days, I picture myself sitting on the couch with a tiny little baby in blue footie jammies laying on my chest. He has dark hair like Steve. Other times, I consider the possibility of twins (because of the fertility drugs). I have names picked out. Ryan and Steven for boys, Ryan or Steven and Summer for a combination. I'd be in trouble if I had 2 girls! LOL I can picture Ryan and Steven in their little baby Red Wings jerseys with their names on the back. I think these are the thoughts that keep me going.
As I said earlier, Femara starts this Friday. I am hopeful and optimistic about this drug. We get 3 cycles to use this. If my body does not respond the next step would be IUI, which 1) we simply can't afford and 2) is just a little too much manipulation of the body for us. Not that I'm against it or anything, it's just not for us.
I plan to start blogging on a more regular basis again. I enjoy going back and reading my thoughts from a year, 2 years, or 10 years ago. Let's hope I can stick with it!
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