"What the hell is Holly doing up at 1:30 am on a very early Wed morning/Tuesday night?" you might ask. Well, I can't sleep. I'm not even close to being able to sleep. Tonight I sold my Thunderbird and I feel really weird. It's a mix of emotions really, none of them good but mostly sad, empty and just overall uncomfortable. I don't feel like myself as if someone else has taken over my body and I'm just along for the ride. I'm finding it impossible to keep the tears out of my eyes and I feel like throwing up. Why do I feel this way over a car? That thing may have been just some dumpy old car to most, but to me I was in love with it from the very first second I saw it. I completely drained my savings and went down almost to Cincinnati to buy it back in June of 2002. It was my dream car with not a speck of rust, it sounded good, ran strong and looked great. I hate myself right now for letting it go.
I went out to the garage to pull the car out before the guy got here. Steve opened the garage door then went back into the house. I got in and started it up. As soon as I got in, that smell that I love took me away for a minute. So many memories and warm feelings came flooding back to me and I wanted to just sit there forever. Everthing was so familiar. I could have gotten in with my eyes closed and done everything the same. The whole world seemed to be different just for that moment. I was comfortable, I felt like I was home. As I pulled out of the garage and put it in park for the last time I could only think "it's not too late, I can still decide not to sell it." I really thought about begging Steve to let me keep it. I have been dreading this day since I put the car up for sale but I wasn't expecting to feel this way after it was gone. It even crossed my mind to demand the full asking price of $1500 knowing the guy wouldnt pay it just so that I didn't have to say good bye quite yet. Then of course I had to put reality in front of my emotions. There is no sense keeping that car when we already have two cars better than it. Plus, we owe Steve's dad $1000 that he loaned us to get Steve's Escort.
All I know is right now, I can't wait to stop feeling this way. Usually, I can turn to Steve and he makes me feel better, but this time it's like I'm completely alone and no one can help. It's one of the darkest feelings I've ever had. A part of me is missing and I don't care how stupid that sounds because that's truely how I feel.
I'm trying to find comfort in knowing that the guy who bought it is giving it to a younger brother or brother in law or something like that. I met the kid and he seems to be really excited to get his first car. I hope he takes care of it and enjoys it as much as I have.
I'm also hoping that writing this blog will provide me with some kind of closure and I'll be able to get some sleep tonight. So, with all that said I will bid a very loving good bye to an old friend...
6/4/02-12/5/06
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